Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.