Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.