Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
You Might Also Like
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
live long and prosper!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.