Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.