@LostFelicia

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

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@JesKeepSwimming

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@MatCro

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

@venmo4feet

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

@SladeWentworth

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.