Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
They must have gotten it to go.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.