Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
You Might Also Like
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
When I snag the last meatball.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
When I said I liked it rough.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on