@squirrel74wkgn

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

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@LoneWolfStories

This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I’m invading its privacy.

@Cravin4

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@good_one_rick

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

@bombsydoll

guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?

5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!

Me: But why did you….wait, what?

@better_off_dad

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@Parentpains

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.