Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.


I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering


Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers


No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.


HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo


co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]


[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”



“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”



“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late


why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward