Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean


If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.


I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.


Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!


Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died


Her: Go pound sand!

Me: * Seductively looks at sand

Sand: I have a boyfriend


“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*


WORM 911: what’s ur emergency


WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.


My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up


*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars