There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“You go first.”
“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward