This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I’m invading its privacy.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?
5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!
Me: But why did you….wait, what?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks