Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..