Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”