Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.