Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.