Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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Meme Monday.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.