Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel


“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”


me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right

friend: no

me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*

friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa


“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?


There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.


A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.


Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…


God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no


Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.