@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

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@apok842

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

@ilovepie84

Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@elle91

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

@deathbybadger

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

@Jennabear32819

A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!

@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

@bugbucket

my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.