I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa
“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.