Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
AM I BEING GASLIT????