@TheBoydP

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

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@theshamingofjay

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs

@DaddyJew

Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting

@MoneypennyNaked

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

@WildeThingy

I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made

@PeachyPixel8

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

@underfleeker

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.