Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.