@JohnLyonTweets: Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don't want to get decarbohydrated.
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@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
@highwaytohelv: why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
@FeelingEuphoric: GUY: I think I’m done eating ME: did you need a to-go box? DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
@AdamGrinchyPoo: "Honey, I'm pregnant" "Are you kidding me?" "That's another way of saying it, I guess, yeah"