Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.