Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
#polloftheday
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Cats are still liquid.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.