Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I created you as mosquito food.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.