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@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@ericsshadow

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@Tommytoughstuff

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

@_____russell

Uber Driver: I didn’t realize your name was so literal lol

Little Red Riding Hood: [through windshield] WHAT

@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?