My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends
Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I built that beach a sandcastle.
Beaches love sandcastles.
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Uber Driver: I didn’t realize your name was so literal lol
Little Red Riding Hood: [through windshield] WHAT
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?