always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.