@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

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@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

@sarahyehia82

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

@TimJohnish

“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats

@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.

@roxiqt

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

@pdxjohnny99

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.