@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

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@envydatropic

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

@MNateShyamalan

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@JennSlowpez

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

@iAmDelFreaky

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@3sunzzz

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.