Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.