You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember