Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.