Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
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Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.