Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

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my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met


Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.

You play your game…I’ll play mine


Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?



Me: it took him a couple bytes


“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.


I got audibly prayed at by a woman clutching her crucifix necklace in the queue at Flying Tiger, whilst I was buying some black candles. I think it’s safe to say the cape is working.


The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.


Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.


You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.