Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Kids, do not try this at home!
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!