@CallSignSiren

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

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@UniqueDude2

my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met

@TheBeerdedOne

Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.

You play your game…I’ll play mine

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@UnFitz

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

@vonny_bravo

I got audibly prayed at by a woman clutching her crucifix necklace in the queue at Flying Tiger, whilst I was buying some black candles. I think it’s safe to say the cape is working.

@_steamy_mac

The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.

@RealCarlHardt

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

@HenpeckedHal

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.