mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
dam girl
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…