Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Science memes
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
This seems like peak sibling energy