Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.