Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet