[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Fear is temporary, laundry is forever
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.