@1MeLrO

Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It’s called a face palm

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@whinecheezits

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

@Dr_powpow

Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation

@Hammer_Toe

Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.

@stats_canada

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

@yoyoha

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

@DustinAHarkins

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

@TheTalkingPipe

They say it’s the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I’ve no clue where I’m going.

@DBMaxP

Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”