Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded


I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.


Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.


The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.


Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs


– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.


“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”


[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom