Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.