Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I don’t know what to do
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.