@LindaInDisguise

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

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@insignificuntxX

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

@sarcasm_inc

*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.

@Southernwit_1

I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.

@KalvinMacleod

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@Skoogeth

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.