@LindaInDisguise

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

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@juliussharpe

A foolproof way to get a woman’s phone number is to hit her car.

@OnlinePenguin_

me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual

bartender: ok [hands her a drink]

her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@Shade510

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

@Mom_Overboard

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

@burnie

My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.