A foolproof way to get a woman’s phone number is to hit her car.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual
bartender: ok [hands her a drink]
her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.