Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
💯😂