Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

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14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying


10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house


DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.


Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold


20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.


shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed


Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016