*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.