Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
they really wanted me dead for this
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.