Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’m about to risk it all
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about