@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

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@EyeSeeYou619

[country music plays in elevator]

ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is

@CMGaldre

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

@Megatronic13

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

@eff_yeah_steph

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@thenatewolf

Sorry, Babe, it’s over.

*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*

@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*