@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

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@gayIorswift13

At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.

@Bexdora

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

@KKBowls

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you

@OllyiConic

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

@MrAlexisPereira

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

@Sickayduh

“Hey Fred”
Yeah Barney?
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!

@WildeThingy

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”