At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.
Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”