[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is
Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee
Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b
Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment
Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*
Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Memes really need signatures. What genius did this?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Sorry, Babe, it’s over.
*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*