OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.