Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I only treason on days ending in y
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
sigh
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants