Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
🚲+physics = winner
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.