OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Just this preview of the story is enough
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
my proudest tweet
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.