@Bripping_Talls
@Reverend_Scott
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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@Reverend_Scott
@Holy_Mowgli
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
@13gbenita
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
@GrantTanaka
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
@brittwastaken
If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
@TheAndrewNadeau
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.
@Carbosly
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
@Cyd10e
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
@notalogin
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
@hippieswordfish
spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving