Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

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ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]


ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing


I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them


If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?


If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.


Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.


Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.


The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.


spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving