@Bripping_Talls

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

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@Reverend_Scott

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

@13gbenita

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@TheAndrewNadeau

If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.

@Carbosly

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

@Cyd10e

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

@notalogin

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

@hippieswordfish

spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving