Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
October already? What’s next? November????
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.