@blaha_Who

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

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@Parkerlawyer

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

@Donna_McCoy

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

@nevels_kendyle

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

@BraandoCommando

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

@awordforaword

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

@DivorceDiva

I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

@sofarrsogud

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*