Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
sensitive skin
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.