Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me