Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@cheeky__gal

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

@prettysadmostly

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@fujichia

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

@RdrJay47

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@thenatewolf

ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.