@reinert03

Of course Jesus saves. He’s Jewish.

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@954LeenO

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

@Darlainky

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

@TheBoydP

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@RodLacroix

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@Home_Halfway

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?