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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again