When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
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Jesus gets more middle names as the day goes on.
Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
me: I’m gunna go get pasta
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.