Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza

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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.


Jesus gets more middle names as the day goes on.


Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.


Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look


I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.


you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT


brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta


Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.


Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.