They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.