Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.