Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“I FIXED IT!”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.