Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”