“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.