Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Challenge accepted.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.