Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.